Dr. Josh Littleton, LMHC, ABS, CST
I’ll be honest: most of the queer polycules, triads, situationships, orbiting satellites, and “we’re-not-labelling-it-but-here’s-our-shared-calendar” arrangements I meet in therapy don’t fall apart because someone did something catastrophically wrong. They fall apart because everyone silently hoped vibes alone would hold the galaxy together.
And look, I’m a he/they queer nerd boy-dad husband, and I love a good vibe. Truly. But vibes are not a relationship strategy. They’re seasoning at best. If you’re building anything beyond monogamy-lite, you need tools, not just shared memes and wishful emotional osmosis.
When I talk to queer partners about becoming polysecure, I describe it as building enough structure that your nervous system stops glitching like a Windows 95 machine. Not rigid rules. Not emotional surveillance. Just enough clarity that your brain stops screaming: Are we safe? Are we okay? Should I panic now or later? Most queer folks weren’t raised with secure attachment infrastructures. We inherited scripts like “figure it out,” “don’t be too much,” “tone it down,” or the classic “we don’t talk about that in this family.” So when non-monogamy enters the chat, our nervous systems go, “Oh perfect another situation with zero roadmap.”
A New Relational Framework
Polysecurity gives us the roadmap we should’ve gotten at puberty, preferably alongside deodorant and a half-hearted abstinence lecture. Jealousy isn’t a moral failing it’s a signal flare. One client felt jealous of his partner’s cozy bookstore dates, not because of the metamour, but because he was grieving that nobody ever offered him that kind of sensory-safe intimacy.
That wasn’t jealousy.
That was unmet longing in a dramatic trench coat.
Polysecure structure isn’t control. It’s queer liberation in spreadsheet form. Weekly check-ins, naming needs, clarifying privacy vs secrecy, and understanding how reassurance lands keep the relational ecosystem stable without policing anyone’s heart.
Why Polyamory Needs More Than Feelings
Consensual non-monogamy doesn’t crumble from desire or conflict, it crumbles from a lack of architecture. Kitchen-table poly especially needs emotional transparency, aligned expectations, and ongoing recalibration. These are ecosystems, not spontaneous group chats. When we treat them like ecosystems, the whole system breathes easier.
Rituals, Routines, and Tabletop Magic
The most stabilizing interventions I use with polycules and open couples involve rituals: weekly emotional audits, shared calendars, decompression conversations, and pre-scheduled check-ins so reassurance isn’t dependent on crisis. Predictability quiets the inner saboteur that whispers, “Why are they asking this now? Are we okay?”
And yes, tabletop gaming is one of my favorite CNM therapy tools. Games like Decorum, Fluster, and Fog of Love help partners practice communication, compromise, emotional signaling, and collaborative problem-solving. They offer a low-stakes space to experiment with discomfort, compare communication rhythms, and gather relational data disguised as game night.
Becoming polysecure isn’t perfection. It’s building enough relational structure that everyone at the table (however many chairs you have) can finally exhale.
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Bio
Dr. Josh is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Clinical Sexologist, and American Board of Sexology Diplomate based in Florida. He is the VP of Excelsis Behavioral Health, where they specialize in LGBTQIA+ affirming care, attachment-focused therapy, and diverse relationship structures. They integrate creativity, narrative work, and tabletop gaming into clinical practice. Dr. Josh also collaborates with Tabletop Gaymers, championing inclusive gaming spaces nationwide. Their work blends clinical rigor with playful curiosity, inviting clients and communities to expand what healing can look like.
The Queerness 